Throwback Thursday - My First Race
This post discusses eating disorders. If you do or have previously suffered from an eating disorder you may find this post triggering.
I started running to lose weight. I read somewhere that running gave you the biggest ‘return on investment’ for your fitness time, cutting through body mass and burning lots of calories, so decided it was the best option for me in my self destructive mission to get as thin as possible. So I started running. Very slowly at first. 6.5 km per/ hour on the treadmill, running for 30 seconds and recovering for a minute. My technique was so awful that once a PT interrupted the session with his client to come over and show me how to run because I was making so much noise pounding away on the treadmill. Mortifying.
Slowly but surely however I got better. Running for longer intervals and walking less until eventually I could run for a few km non-stop. The plan was working and I was getting tinier and tinier. I went down to size 6 and then size 4 and that was the ultimate victory. Once again a PT came up to me on the treadmill but this time it was to ask what I was eating and whether I was OK. I was exhausted and my nails were flaking away but all of that really didn’t matter, so I diligently reeled off sweet potato and salmon dinners and she went away.
I kept running though. Every day I’d get on the treadmill in my local gym and I used to come out glowing. It made me really happy and it was satisfying to see myself getting better. One day I noticed a poster in the gym for a local 10k race. The Staines 10k none the less! I had never ever run more than 5k and the idea of running 10k seemed pretty much impossible. TEN! That was double figures. But imagine how many calories you’d burn! Livestrong told me I’d burn nearly 700 and I got more and more tempted. It frightened me but I couldn’t stop thinking about it and then one day I went mental and entered! A real life race!
I started training, trying to run further on the treadmill and even taking it outside for a jog round the block, but that was bloody hard work and I didn’t like everyone staring at me so I didn’t do that too much. One day at the gym I got in to a treadmill face off with a girl next to me and got up to 7.5km before bailing out and feeling like I wouldn’t make it home. Despite being exhausted I couldn’t quite believe I’d run 7.5km and I spent days on a high.
The week before the race I got anxious. I’d read that you need energy for running and I wrestled with a big problem - do I eat breakfast? I only ever ran on an empty stomach because I only ever had an empty stomach but the last thing I wanted to do when going for a whole 10k was to go all weak. That would be failure and I would embarrass myself. But the idea of eating so many carbs was horrifying. My pride did win over though and I ate a banana mashed with a handful of oats and water. Eating that much pretty much cemented that I would HAVE to run as I couldn’t just let it sit there in my stomach.
I turned up for the race nervous but excited. Dayve came along to support me (number one cheerleader from the beginning) and took this photo of me before my race.
Yes, they’re tennis shoes.
Although I had managed to gain some weight here (back up to a size 6), if you know me you’ll know I don’t look like this now.
I stood on the start line feeling sick but as soon as the gun went that was it. I set about my loop of Staines full of adrenaline. I started overtaking people and really got in the zone. I can’t really remember much of the race until the end. I started struggling at about 8km and saw a man stop and was filled with certainty that I.would.not.stop. I saw the PT from my gym who’d asked me about my food struggling at 9km and was determined to finish in front of her. To show her I was strong enough.
In the final stretch I saw Dayve and he waved at me. I can’t explain the euphoria that came over me when I saw the finish line. A woman tried to overtake me with a sprint in the final stretch but I wasn’t having any of it. I dug deep and she couldn’t catch me. I can’t explain how amazing I felt to cross the finish line. 10km in 54 minutes. Livestrong told me I’d burnt 700 calories.
From that point on, I was hooked. Running made me so happy. As time went though I tried to get stronger but just got progressively weaker. Dehydration from laxative abuse, a broken metabolism from a starve/binge/purge cycle and a worn down body. I tried (and failed) to take on the Paris half in 2011 and that was the snapping point. Running showed me how strong I could be but how weak I actually was. I didn’t want to live in a world where bananas brought me to tears and I lived by numbers. 500 calories in so 700 to burn, 1lb down so 4lb more to lose. So I started training for Run to the Beat 2011, which is where this blog started.
On May 16th 2010, three years ago to the day, I ran my first race. Three years later I have 8 half marathons and a full marathon under my belt, among various others, and I’ve never been happier. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t struggle sometimes and all recovered ED sufferers will tell you that ED never really goes away but I think I am as healthy as I’ll ever be, both physically and mentally, at this point in time. Running truly changed my life. What a difference three years makes.
Strong, happy, healthy.
This made me shed a tear. I’m so proud of you and how far you have come. Keep running and keep inspiring. Xx
I will definitely keep running, inspired by you, as always. Thank you for all your support, you are a gem xxx
Without wanting to sound too gushing, you are an inspiration - this is such a brilliant post. You make many people want to be as badass and strong (in more than one sense of the word) as you x
Ooh that is so so lovely and means the world to me. Thank you so much xx
I love your blog, and think you’re awesome! I’m sorry I didn’t get to chat to you more on Sunday! This post is so brave, and I’m so glad you found the love for running :) Beki x
Thanks so much Beki! Hopefully we can catch up soon :) Sunday was so fun we definitely need to do it on a regular basis! x
I distinctly remember having this paradigm shift moment while on a long run training for my first marathon and realising I needed to change my attitude from running to control what I was eating to running to fuel my body. Three years and six marathons later I never worry about calories (other than needing to eat a lot of them!). But it troubles me that there’s such a huge gap between rhetoric and reality in the female fitness industry. Women are told that being fit and strong is good but the same time images of skinny models are used in fitness magazines. It’s confusing and doesn’t help women, esp those with EDs.
Great post and sorry for the rant. Keep it up! x
Totally agree with you. Fitness for women is sold as a way to get thin or ‘tone up’ and 99% of the ‘fitness’ models look like they’ve never done a workout in their life! We need more realistic role models and we need the fitness industry to recognise that women exercise for so much more than weightloss! Thanks for commenting and sharing your thoughts - I think it’s an important topic that needs discussing more. Little by little we can try and make that positive shift xx
I agree fitness magazines send really mixed signals. I’ve been so shocked by the weight loss rhetoric in Women’s Running. Sample articles in just the one we got at Write this Run: “How many calories do you actually need to run?” “How low carb can you go?” “Average weight loss on Weight Watchers” “Using Facebook makes you Fat” and the age old photo of a woman on a scale.
NOT WHAT RUNNING IS ABOUT.
Thank you for sharing such a brave post.
I really just echo what Cat says. Restricting calories while exercising at high intensity and volume has huge implications not just for a woman’s current health but for her future health. I just wish the media and magazines would take a bit more responsibility for the messages they send out. I also wish the coaches of young athletes would be more careful about how they address weight issues.
It really does and those long term health implications really need to be put out there to raise awareness. EDs are a mental health issue but I think that they’re definitely exacerbated by unrealistic body images thrown at women left right and centre! And yes, I think that young athletes are definitely a big risk group. Thank you for commenting! x
This post is awesome, so honest. it’s an enormous thing to overcome, and changing your attitude towards food and exercise can be a tough one. I’m so glad you’re sharing your story to inspire and encourage others to change their attitude. xx
Thank you Charlie! Started this blog to do exactly that and Write this Run reminded me of that! It’s hard to admit and share it but I think it starts a discussion which is worth a lot and makes it worthwhile. x
Well done - you’ve come a long way (physically and mentally!) and should feel really proud. It’s particularly good for me to read just now as I’m a fellow ED sufferer and although I (mostly) keep myself in check, I’m not ashamed to admit that I often find myself struggling. AS catsimpson0 says, there are a lot of conflicting messages put out there in the fitness industry and it can be a challenge not to succumb to the ED lies. Keep the faith! :-)
Thank you! Well done for keeping yourself in check - I hope your positive journey continues upward! Definitely agree about there being conflicting messages in the fitness industry, especially with the marketing aimed at women. Want to spread the message that healthy, fit and strong is what matters and what will ultimately make you happy, not being stick thin!
Very touching post. Running has hugely changed my eating as well - I know that I cannot function just eating biscuits and milk. I’m not scared of calories anymore because I get my calories from real food that nourishes my body.
The mixed message issue that Cat mentions is so spot on - I had a look at the ‘health and fitness’ magazine shelf at the shops yesterday. I could not bring myself to buy any magazine because of the images on the covers and headlines promising to be slimmer and lighter in ‘just a week’, etc. I think fitness magazine industry has a long way to go…
PS. Sorry I didn’t get to catch up with you at Write This Run :(
I know exactly what you mean about fitness magazines - they rarely have anything of interest and it’s all about bikini bodies and blitzing fat. Glad that hear that running has changed your eating too - it’s amazing what it can do for your mental health as well as your physicality. Definitely the right attitude to have and one that needs promoting! We’ll have to arrange another meet and catch up then :)
A great post…made me a bit emotional. Running has really saved my life and I can’t not having it around. And it is so true, ED’s never completely go away…sometimes it is just a niggle buried deep below like a distant memory that is trying to resurface or sometimes it is a little more prominent. But for me, having running in my life has changed how I cope with these niggles. Lovely writing x
Very true. Running keeps it buried away and under control - if I can’t run I can feel it creeping back. Thank you for dropping by and commenting xx
great read ! This is defo a topic that needs opening up :) I’m a starve/binge/purge kinda guy :( or I was ! Until someone on twitter opened my eyes to what I was putting myself thru ! I lost 5st in a year and became a litte obsessed with the scales ! It’s now been 5 days since I’ve weighted myself that’s the longest in 18 months
Well done for not weighing yourself for 5 days! That’s a brilliant achievement and definitely a healthy step. Thanks for sharing - male EDs are never discussed and I think awareness is so important. You’re doing a brave thing sharing your experiences and I hope you keep going on this positive path. Always around for a chat if you want someone to talk to! x
Reblogged this on FitFatFood Blog.
Wow. That was one of the most powerful stories I’ve read in a long time. You are truly inspiring! Good luck in your upcoming race!
Thank you! x
You’ve come so far and are such an inspiration- the health and strength radiating from that last picture is absolutely awesome! I think this is a struggle all female runners go through at some point, as they shift from running to get thin to enjoying it and realising they need to fuel their bodies to make them stronger- as Cat said, fitness magazines often don’t help in this respect!
Great post, and well done for opening up.
Thanks so much! It’s definitely an issue with female runners and I think it’s important to talk about it and get people discussing it. x
Amazing post, such an inspiration!
Thank you! x
Awesome awesome awesome. very proud of you Sophie, Inspiring people with every footstep
Thank you so much Charlie. I joined RDC just after running Run to the Beat and it’s been such a huge factor in my recovery. It means so much to me to be part of the RDC family and I am so grateful to have it in my life. x
Talking about food and weight issues is such a difficult thing to do. I really appreciate you being honest about your struggles and am pleased to see that you are out of the worst of it. Brave girl, thank you.
Thank you so much! I think that talking about it will get discussion rolling and even when it’s hard to share I think it’s worth it in the long run to raise awareness. Thank you for stopping by x
Soph. You rock so hard I can hardly stand it. I knew most of this thanks to RSC but gearing about w writhing as well as your recovery is so cheering! You always have us by your side as well as Dayve & your family obviously. So much love as always xxx
So many iPhone typos! Hearing about it all in writing alongside your recovery…;)
Thank you gorgeous lady. RDC has played a huge part and I am so thankful for all your support. xx
Fantastic writing..honest and inspiring. Thanks for sharing xox
Thank you for reading! x
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As someone who’s suffered from eating disorders i the past I can definitely relate to this. I signed up for the 2008 Stockholm marathon when being a recovering anorexic and I can honestly say that having that marathon as my goal kept me on track with my eating. From having had running as a form of punishment for eating, running became a joyous activity that made me realize just how grateful I should be that my body carries me through life and that I should treat it better than I previously had.
Great post, and I’m so happy that you’ve reached a point in your life where you are happy and keep track of that ED (as you say, I don’t think it ever really goes away, one’s just got to learn to live with it). Keep up the good work!
This is such a brilliant story and I feel the same in so many ways. Hope you keep track of yours too - happy running! x
Great post Sophie, I’m really glad you’ve come so far on your journey with your body. I know that running and yoga have completely changed my relationship with mine - I was disconnected from it before in some ways, and now I sort of see us as ‘a team’.
Thank you sharing your story, I think I needed to read this and it is an admirable thing for you to be giving an often silenced subject a voice of its own. I signed up for my first ever race (which I finally completed this weekend!) and it was a wonderful thing to see my initial desire to be skinny morph during my training into wanting to finish it as a strong healthy woman. It has been an emotional journey and (from what you say) will continue to be challenging but I feel better equipped every day to take it head on! Thank you!
I was really into sport as a child but then puberty happened (and I’ll admit that a sub-par diet also happened), and one day my coach told me I looked fat. I was humiliated. I left the gym and never went back. I also stopped eating, because I would show my former coach that I could be thin.
Fast forward to 20 and a doctor tells me I’m starting to develop arthritis and I suddenly think ‘shit, I might not always be able to go back to sport even if I want to’. By this point I was pretty slim, but I was so weak. So over the next few years I took up running, yoga, climbing, swimming, cycling, any sport I could think of. I started awful but I got better, and I could say ‘I made that happen’. I started to think completely differently about my body.
In many ways I’m actually bigger than I was prior to sport, but I look at my body now and think this is what lets me doing all of those things that I am so proud of. Not everyone could do what I do, and I have made it happen. Am I going to be challenging Jessica Ennis anytime soon? Absolutely not. But that isn’t the point. I am strong and healthy, and I am responsible for that.
Thank you for your honesty. Having also suffered with ED in the past I completely identifiy with your story. I am happier and healthier now than I have ever been and this comes with working on my self belief as much as anything physical. Being a mother I also strive to be the healthiest role model I can to my children.
Thank you for commenting! I’m so happy that you’ve come out the other side too and that you’re working on your self belief - it’s the most important part. I’m sure you’re a fantastic role model for your children having seen both sides and now knowing how to live a healthy life.
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