Three’s A Crowd - Running, Bulimia and Me
It’s not easy to admit to other people that you have a problem. My problem is/was bulimia. Over the past six months I have made changes, difficult and scary changes, to get myself well again. Whilst I would not consider myself bulimic anymore, I do not have (and probably never will have) a comfortable relationship with food.
I am not your typical candidate for an eating disorder. I have impeccable grades, a fantastic job, a loving and supportive family, an amazing boyfriend and a handful of close knit friends. Most would describe me as sensible and level headed, if silly on occasions. I was the last person anyone would have expected to develop disordered eating - How did someone so smart get trapped by something as simple as food? I don’t know how it happened, and I’m not going to go into any great length about ED triggers or the role of society blah blah blah. It happened, and I am dealing with it.
I was never sick; my eating was characterised by a restrictive phase, followed by a binge/purge phase, and would carry on in this cycle. The purge phase consisted of excessive exercise and laxative abuse (yep…) whilst fasting. It’s the exercise element that I want to discuss now. My first half marathon, Run To The Beat, is 2 weeks today, and it’s somewhat of a big occasion for me.
I started exercising to lose weight. I had never, ever been interested in the gym or running prior to my efforts to lose weight. I signed up to a local gym and loved it - I guess I was depressed and became somewhat addicted to the exercise endorphins. I started running and entered a 10k race to motivate myself. I thought “long distance runners are skinny, so if I run long distance I will be skinny too”. Excellent beginnings for my life as a runner. I ran the 10k in 54 minutes and felt the happiest I had felt in months and months. I started running more often, now not only to lose weight but also because I enjoyed it. My problem was that I struggled with fuelling. Carbs were the enemy and anything over 150 calories at one time seemed monumental - I’m sure you can see how this didn’t end up in particularly fruitful running sessions.
My love for running was fighting with my disordered eating. I wanted to run and be brilliant, soak up the positive atmosphere at fun runs and float on the high of finishing a race. To do these things, you need energy (read:carbohydrates). When you are scared of carbohydrates, it’s quite tricky to eat carbohydrates. I remembered how motivating it had been to enter the 10k and so signed up for the Paris half marathon. A trip to Paris and a new distance to conquer - perfect. Or not. I couldn’t run. I had no energy. Eating more than 800 calories a day was a mental struggle, and I was always dehydrated from my ongoing love affair with ‘Senekot MAX STRENGTH’ and daily saunas to ‘sweat the fat out’. The time came, and I couldn’t run it. The race update emails taunted me. I felt deeply ashamed that I couldn’t take care of myself properly, and as such had missed out on such an amazing opportunity.
My failure to make it to Paris was a new start for me. I realised that life was just slipping by and that I didn’t want to be the one avoiding dinner dates and aimlessly wandering around supermarkets reading nutrition labels whilst my friends breezed through their youth without me. I made a resolution to get better. Signing up to Run to the Beat was part of that resolution.
Training for Run to the Beat has been more than just a programme to enable me to run 13.1 miles. It has been a complete overhaul of my life, and I cannot explain how brilliant it’s been. I started reading about nutrition, and taught myself how to feed and nourish my body. I learnt about metabolism, eating the right foods for training and recovery, about running technique, about pacing, about…everything! I immersed myself in the training programme, and over the last 10 weeks I have come a long way.
I am strong, fit and healthy.
I can run 14 miles.
I eat 1800-2000 calories a day.
(I have also lost half a stone, which just goes to show….)
With just two weeks to go, I am a whole mixed bag of emotions. I’m excited, nervous, frightened, happy, determined and then excited again. And then nervous some more. I am aiming to finish in under 2 hours, but won’t be beating myself up if I don’t make it in time. For me, finishing is not just about getting a medal and telling people I ran my first half. It’s proof that I am fit and healthy. Proof that I can look after myself. Proof that I have reclaimed my life. I can’t wait.
PrettyFit xxxx
There’s no such thing as a “typical” eating disorder—and if there were, the intelligent, well-supported overachievers among us would be more typical than anyone else. As I’m sure you know, this is a psychological disorder. You can be bright and rational, but that doesn’t mean it can’t all disappear in the presence of an eating disorder.
It’s wonderful that you’ve quit bingeing and purging, and thank you for sharing your story! Are you working with a nutritionist and/or psychologist? As amazing as it is to read about your progress, it can be very hard to do this alone…and with the amount of mileage you must be logging (and the lingering disordered thought), it would be very easy to eat below what your body needs to be TRULY healthy.
Keep fighting!
This is very true. It’s devastating to have an ED take over, you feel completely out of control and it just exacerbates the whole situation! I saw a psychologist weekly but now I don’t see her that often at all. I’m monitored by my doctor but he’s not great to be honest. Biggest support is my boyfriend, he seems to completely understand everything and is always pushing me in the right direction.
Yes I still don’t know if I’m getting everything I need, I aim for 1800 cals a day minimum but often it’s quite hard to reach. The day of my long weekly run I usually get up to about 2200 cals. Would love to see a nutritionist but don’t know how about going to see one.
Thanks for commenting, it’s lovely to have support! Will keep going! x
Hello, I know this is an old post and not being a very expert blogger i dont know if you will receive this reply but I just want to say how inspirational I found this. I am a recovering Bulimic myself, I am going to be positive and say recovering because the last 2 years have been a very hard struggle but I am getting there, other than the odd relapse like today which is why i was browsing for something inspirational to read to make myself feel better! Like you I owe my recovery very largely to exercise and running in general. I started running and using the gym as a way to burn added calories but fell in love with it and over the last year have run 2 full marathons, 2 half marathons (including run to the beat last year) and am currently training for my third marathon in London in April. It is very easy for people to criticise exercisers and have been accused of swapping one addiction for another but I honestly exercise for the love and enjoyment of it now and has given me a reason to eat properly and look after myself. I have engaged with professional help and therapy groups too but nothing has allowed me to recover, increase my self esteem and grow as a person as much as my passion for running. I am working now on trying to get a bit more of a balance as rest days and injuries are my difficult times at te moment. It is so nice to read about someone else that feels the same way. It is so brave to be honest about difficulties that so many people struggle with in secret. Thank you
Thank you so so much for leaving this comment. Hearing your story makes me feel so inspired and so happy to connect with someone who’s been through what I have and is healing in the same way. It sounds like running has saved your life like it did mine and I am so impressed that you’re on your third marathon! Wishing you all the best for London and the rest of your journey. I can’t seem to click on your blog but would love it if you’d send me a link. Thank you again for commenting. x
i’ve actually not got my own blog. i’m signed up so i can read other peoples blogs but have never actually been brave enough to write my own! i have so much respect for people like you that have the courage to put it out there. maybe one day…
I have started writing my blog! runningovertherainbow.wordpress.com (have changed my name, those are my replies above as ladybirdfeet!)
Fantastic! Can’t believe how similar we are. Love your story and cant wait to read more about your recovery and running xx
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‘Three’s a crowd’ - that is exactly it!! I have been bulimic for two years now. Over the past year I have started to exercise and like you I love running. But I simply do not have the energy to improve my performance. I am going through a constant tug-of-war between wanting to run and knowing that I need to eat carbs for that but also not wanting to let go of bulimia. I am not at the stage of recovery yet, I am only now starting to admit it to myself and most recently a counsellor - hardest thing I have had to do. I starve myself during the day and then purge everything I eat during the evening - no surprise really that I have no energy whatsoever. I often find myself thinking that I should just give up on the running. Reading your story inspires me. I hope by focusing on running and exercising I will learn to eat again. Thank you for sharing your story with us. x
Another bulimic runner here. Used running to battle my EA for years. Signed up to an ultra marathon this year determined to run it without suffering and I did. Felt better than I had ever felt and as light as I have ever been. But now I have knee injuries and struggling to cope with not running. Running is so important, I wish I had taken advice and mixed it up with cycling from the start.
I hope you are still enjoying your running and still feel ok. A lot of the help out there is poor but you can find a good sports nutritionist and that will really help you believe it’s ok to properly fuel your body.